In The Moment......

How many times have you done something "in the moment" and then later looked back and thought, "what the heck was I doing?" I know I've done it far too many times to count.

Today, my friend at work was sharing about a lady who has two brain tumors. Of course this brought up a discussion about my mom. There's very little I can tell you about those traumatic days that has any humor to it....but today I shared a humorous "moment" with her and thought you might get a kick out of it too.

Let me back up first. I don't know how many of you who read my blogs knew my mom. She was a refined lady. I don't mean "snooty" if that's what you're thinking. More like...classic. She never left the house without being "put together". Right before I got married I remember her telling me to "get up every day, get yourself dressed, makeup, hair, the works. If you don't make yourself worth coming home to, Doug will find somebody else who will". I've never forgotten that ! LOL In my lifetime, I can count maybe 15 times I didn't see my mom get up and get herself made for the day. And most of those times she was sick or recovering from surgery.

She would come up to the hospital shortly after I had given birth and after visiting, hugging and cooing over the baby for a while, she would look at me and say, "do you want to put on a little makeup?" haha Somehow I would appease her with at least putting on ome lipstick. =) She seemed to think that makeup makes you feel better..or at the least...makes you look better =)

Over the years our family has talked alot aobut funerals, deaths, etc..Probably because we attended so many with dad being a Pastor. We talked about what we did and didn't like. Since mom's death happened so quickly, we basically walked around in a blur the first 48 hours, trying to put her funeral together. Mom had said for years "I don't want an open casket". I don't think in her wildest dreams did she ever think she would die young. In fact, my grandma (her mom) is still alive. She always said, "I don't want people coming to look at me after I've been sick. I won't even look like myself and everyone will come by and just gawk". We took this into consieration but because of the suddenness of her death, dad decided on the night we went to the viewing that he was going to have an open casket. He felt this would help bring closure for people. Besides, she looked just like herself. They did an amazing job. The grandkids kept saying, "it just looks like she's asleep". There had been no suffering..no long endured sickness.

After coming into the funeral home, crying and consoling one another, we all began to relax a little. When I realized dad was going to have an open casket, I stepped closer to get a good look at mom. They did a great job...but it looked like there was just a little something missing. I kept staring at her and finally said, "I think she needs more mascara." Before I knew it, I was standing at the head of her casket (I wanted to get a good angle) and I bent over and started applying mascara. Now even though mom was a good teacher, and I've had alot of practice, THIS was a little different. I soooo didn't want to get any on her cheeks. What if I did...how would I get it off ? I am applying it VERY "gingerly" to say the least. As I'm fixated on my job, my younger sis' walks over and says, "I think she needs some eye liner. She doesn't have any on." Sooo...she joins me. I'm applying mascara, she's applying eyeliner. And you guessed it, older sis' came over and said, "She needs more lipstick" and whipped out a tube and started applying. Three girls, leaned over our moms casket, diligently applying makeup to her face. We were "In the Moment"....oblivious to the rest of the world. It was only as my cousin came up, laughing and crying and said, "you guys are cracking me up...I can't believe you are putting makeup on your mom" that we snapped back to reality and realized we must look like we have lost our mind.

My first thought & response was, "do you KNOW my mom ? If we let her go to her funeral without her makeup being right and looking her best....we will be haunted from heaven the rest of our lives." =) I truly believe that ! haha We were trained right !! lol

I've had alot of "In The Moments" over my lifetime. They've come and gone....but I will always remember "this moment"...when humor came up and grabbed me by the collar when I least expected it and for just a moment, made me smile. =)

The Journey To "I Do".......

I can not figure out "why" something I use to love to do has suddenly become a dreaded chore. Nearly every Saturday growing up, after we girls helped my mom clean the house, we would head off to the mall to window shop, and in the rare lucky times, BUY ! It's just what we did. I've spent many Saturdays since doing the same thing...mostly by myself.

I'm pretty picky. I don't like things to touch me. I don't like my knees to show. (although I must be going through some sort of a "mni-crisis" lately because I've bought a few summer dresses that come to my knee...mercy!)Give me a few months...it will be out of my system and I'll be back to plain old me =)

Every time I have a big occasion coming up (last one was my all school reunion) the shopping becomes a marathon. Alot of stressing, second guessing, dieting goes into the mix of trying to find the "perfect outfit". It's a job to say the least.

Trying to find this "mother of the groom" dress has gradually become a nuisance. It
lost it's joy about the second Saturday I found nothing. But today, I felt hopeful. Heading to an entirely different area of town, I was focused, determined, ready to make a purchase. I arrive at the store and it seemed to be endless with choices. I really like this place. It's weird though. Because they sale wholesale and retail, there are no dressing rooms. Their recommendation, just try it on over your clothes. Hmmm....interesting. It's hard to picture looking "magical" when you have this "bulk" of clothing sticking out everywhere it's not suppose to be. Winning !

I find one that I really like...put it on (over my clothes) take a pic and text it to "the groom"..my boy. This goes on..me texting Jordan..then my younger sis..then the bride. By this time I am just sweating...mostly because I have two sets of clothes on...and stores around here are apparently cutting back on air because every store is hot. This goes on for close to an hour...trying on clothes...taking a pic...sending it...getting negative feedback. The best thing about the whole experience is everything looks big (even with my clothes on) and I'm having to try on the next smaller size. Yes...there is a merciful God. =) Finally, I decide to give up and walk down the sidewalk to another store.

Another store with lots of selection ! I'm pumped. The momentum is building. SURELY...I will find something here. They can cut a long dress off to tea length...they can order anything I like in a different color...different size...SCORE !
I find several, head to the dressing room. AND THEY HAVE A DRESSING ROOM !! Double Score !! As soon as I close the door, I'm immediately aware of how warm it is in the room. I can do it...don't think about it Ginger. Most of the ones I brought in were not in my size...mostly bigger...but I would at least get the "essence" of the look. Hmmm....I got the essence alright. Not one dress...my size...bigger size....BIGGEST size..fit me. I couldn't zip a single one. Dear Lord...what happened on the walk from the first store to the second. Suddenly the movie "Mean Girls" came to mind. It's as if I was strolling along eating some kind of protein bar from one store to the next causing me to gain massive weight. I went from wearing clothes smaller than my size to not being able to fit in to clothes two times larger than my size. NOW I'M REALLY SWEATING ! Nearly fuming ! I sense if I don't hurry up and get out of here I literally may have a meltdown.

I leave. Aggravated. Discouraged. No closer to finding my magical dress. The dress that will be in "forever pictures". Picutres that reside in an album on a coffee table. Tomorrow is another day....another opportunity for a new adventure.....

Stay tuned..... =)

Guess I Had Something To Say Afterall........

I was going to share this on my FB status but then realized I needed ALOT more room to truly express myself. Yesterday my dad posted this as his Facebook status and I would like to share it with you: "I strongly disagree with Obama on many issues and hope that we will elect a new Presient this coming November. But I do not wish Obama any harm. The reason I have chosen to express my thoughts in this matter is because of a few comments on FB regarding our former Bush Presidents. No true American and certainly no Christian should wish harm to anyone else, If you don't like the rats who are in office then vote them out. Thank God that we are not living in a country where we fear opposing our leaders. To wish misfortune or harm for another is to invite the same on ourselves." THIS is the kind of "leader" I grew up with. My dad is by no means perfect, but the one thing I have always appreciated about my parents is balanced perspective. They've taught me to "stand up" for what I believe in....without having to "step on" everyone else who doesn't agree with me. Is it hard ? Of course ! I hate that people don't "think like me"...on any issues...it doesn't matter what issue it is. Politics, religion, finances, you name it. I just had a similiar discussion with my oldest yesterday (who by the way, voted for Obama). It's funny how we have MANY groups in America....all rallying for their cause...all talking about the opposite side as if "what they are doing is horrible" and yet are practicing the same thing. Oh...you want an example you say ? Religious groups aren't going to shop at Target because they sold T-Shirts to support Gay Rights/Marriage. The gay community is outraged because "Christians" are being out spoken about their opinions in this. Flip side: my son, who has many gay friends, said they LOVE Chick Filet...but refuse to eat there because they support Religious Rights...opposing gay marriage. Hmmm.....and thus we have America. Am I saying "don't stand for anything" ? No ! Vote for who you think is best for our country, representing what you feel is most important. I DO !! But the "mud slinging" has got to stop. Figure out "how" to express your opinion without everyone feeling like they have to take a "shower" or a "shovel" after you spew. I don't know about you but the President of the United States is not, nor ever has been, the leader in my life. He leads where I live. I get to choose who is the leader in my life. God gave me a wonderful, educated, intelligent father who taught me more than any other leader in my life. But above all GOD is the leader of my life. He's the leader of this country, regardless of anyone's view (in my opinion of course) so I am going to rest in the fact that HE'S got it ALL under control ! I have enough to worry about taking care of me :)

Flashback....

It was six months ago on a Thursday… just like today….on the 5th….just like today. I had just arrived at work, turned on my computer, looked at what was on my agenda for the day, when I received the call from my little sis’, “dad found mom unconscious and we are all on our way to the Emergency Room”. What unfolded over the next MANY hours still tends to be a blur.

Just seven days before we had all been one big happy family. Christmas is always a special time at mom and dads. Mom cooks for WEEKS (even though we have told her not to exhaust herself). All of her special china is pulled out to adorn the table. Games are thought about weeks in advance for the whole family to play. We laugh….it’s loud….the house is full….the love is evident.

I look back now at special moments during our last visit. Mom had been organizing things. She took me into dads office, showed me where she had set up a filing drawer. She explained this is where all the “important papers” were kept….just so we would know. She walked me into her pantry and showed me how she had organized all the canned goods onto lazy susans. It looked great and I took that idea home for some things in my house. I had to go to a walk in clinic while I was there visiting and when I got back, mom took me into her room, pulled out her prayer journal and In the very back was all her home remedies she had read about and collected the information. She sat and read them to me, one by one, explaining which ones she had tried and then directed me to the one I needed to try….haha

I remember walking into the kitchen Christmas day and she seemed frazzled. I knew that look of, “I’m overwhelmed, help me think”. We have been a pair for quite some time. I’m not sure “why” she had always depended on me, but for some reason me showing up to help cook always seemed to ease her mind.

Because of my new job, our trip wasn’t as long as it usually is (in hindsight this makes me very upset). Typically on the day we leave, we all meet at a restaurant for lunch and then get on the road. This trip was no different. We ate and then stepped outside to do our “hugging and goodbye’s”. I remember going over to mom to say “thanks” and she said, “I wished you guys didn’t have to go so soon. It was too short.” She seemed sad. My boys talked about this later on. It seemed "out of the ordinary" to them too. I reassured her, “mom…I’m going to see you in three weeks.” (Her & dad were coming to Texas for a few months). That’s the last time I talked to her.

Flashbacks…… Thoughts of “if I had only known”, “was I thankful for all she did?”, “did I express my gratitude and appreciation?” “Did I make her proud?” I refuse to be mad at God for taking her so soon. I am thankful that God allowed her to stay for 70 years. I know so many who have lost a parent much younger than me. If I have one thing I get very sad about it’s this…I didn’t get to say goodbye. I didn’t know so I couldn’t ask her questions. I couldn’t express how much she meant to me. I didn’t get to tell her how much I respected her and was so proud to call her mom.

I guess there is a lesson there somewhere. Tell the people you love and care about….that you love and care about them...often. I have never pretended that I’m half the person she was, I only hope that some small part of her rubbed off on me and one day my boys will be able to feel and say the same things about me.

Six months. Some days it feels like a lifetime. Some days it seems like only yesterday. You have been missed every moment of every day mom. We feel so out of sorts without you. Until we meet again.......love you !